Avoiding Conflicts...

You know, technically this blog isn't late yet, as the internal clocks housed within the infernal machineries of blogger have deemed it to be only six days since this blog was assigned. As such I expect full points for what so ever I happen to say here. I'll be watching you very closely Mr. Mannion...

On an unrelated, but still actually slightly related note, conflict. It is by its very nature unpleasant, and best avoided. But how does one go about avoiding it? Well, first one must learn to blend into a social setting, completely and immediately. Be the guy that sits in the back of the class. The stranger at the bar who keeps to themselves. Even better, become a recluse who only leaves their home once a month to go grocery shopping and smells vaguely of cabbage... Oh, you say you want to avoid conflict while retaining some semblance of a functional life? This is trickier.

The first thing you should know in this case, is that some conflict is unavoidable. Strategies for conflict avoidance are nice and encouraging, but useless once it all hits the fan. The easiest way to avoid prolonging a conflict is a simple strategy I like to call "cut and run". This is useful for avoiding the brunt of most conflicts that are actively seeking you (bullies, obnoxious friends, earthquakes etc.). Note that this doesn't singularly mean that you must physically run in every situation. Sometimes it means making swift, uncompromising, and completely unbelievable concessions. "Yes, it was my fault that you crashed your car into that pole over there while I was sitting right here minding my own business. I will immediately call my insurance company to recompense you scary gorilla man..." or "yes Mike/Pat/Russell/Brendan I am an idiot". This will help you simply shut down a conflict before it begins, either by ensuring that you are not physically in the area of the conflict, or by making sure there is no conflict to be had. I know this through experience.

This strategy for conflict mediation/avoidance will not work in all situations however. Sometimes conflicts will come looking for you, and there will be no chance of escape or concession. Your girlfriend may suspect you of cheating (which you may or may not have done) or a pack of hungry velociraptors may take a liking to the tender flesh of your underarms. There is no way to avoid these conflicts (mainly because girlfriends and velociraptors both travel in packs of twenty and run at over thirty-five miles per hour when enraged/hungry. Also, they know no fear and have three inch long talons with which to eviscerate you.) There is therefore only one way to resolve situations like these. A combination of regular cardio exercise, and superior fire power. Bring not one, but two shotguns. Everywhere. And grenades. Lots of grenades. Also make sure to choose a quality semi/fully automatic sidearm (that's military speak for pistol) and always be stocked with an inexhaustible supply of ammunition for it. Because in the face of velociraptors you will run out of shotgun shells, and grenades...

Now, if you should come out in the wrong in a conflict, make sure to apologize and attempt to make things right ("Sorry for cheating on you honey, and also I apologize for shooting you in the trachea while I was blind with fear."). There's no use in losing a valuable friend/parent/sibling/lover to an accidental burst of automatic pistol fire and hurt feelings. Just apologize. If they haven't already bled out, then I am 100% certain that all will be forgiven. In time.

Now, as for helping people resolve their own conflicts, why do you think I wrote this? After all, if I can- Wait, did you hear that? I think it saw me! Oho, she's a big one... Have at you bipedal lizard of death!!!! (Sounds of a shotgun being fired cease abruptly as the author of this post emits a long gurgling death rattle)